Components of Attraction: More on Comfort.

One of the eight components weve discussed the importance of conveying is comfort.

In a separate article and in the ice breaker eBook, we talked about how you can effectively engender comfort, by both the verbal and non verbal things you say and do.

While it's important to have a list of topics at the ready to talk about, small talk and jokes to fill out the agenda of the evening, and to stay away from topics that bring about 'discomfort' (IE - harsh news stories, date rape, murder), she may bring such a topic up.

I'm going to get into some heavier stuff in this entry. We live in the real world. Bad things happen to good people. As a man seeking a fulfilling relationship, its important to know how to address it should such topics come up on a date, particuarly early on.

In early March 2006, there was a lot news around this bouncer LittleJohn in New York who appears to have been involved in the rape and murder of a young woman outside an evening nightclub. While bouncers aren't school nurses, they are seen as a symbol of trust for women, to come to their assistance should difficulties arise. This incident fractures that trust. I recall an incident a few years ago in San Francsico, when a cab driver raped a woman coming home from a nightclub after hours. Same thing - these are people we trust not to hurt us when we are vulnerable (and/or drunk.)

Should such topics be brought up on a date, by your date, the best approach is to first provide a pat comeback. Say something like, 'you're not going to rape me tonight are you?' That should break the ice. Then offer a segue to another topic.

If she continues on this path/topic, it can get tricky. You don't want to dismiss the topic, nor discuss it at length, however she's obviously looking for reassurance and comfort building. Yet dwelling on the topic can be a real downer.

If the topic continues on her part, more particularly seems to be addressed to you, be decisive then offer another segue.

I'd look at her straight, slow down my body movement, and say, "I don't tolerate violence. My world is filled with calm, and its important for me to know that these things are also important virtues with someone I'm dating."

Rewind. My words don't direct these statements to her. I simply say, "with someone I'm dating," so it becomes a value statement. Saying this decisively conveys your reality - that peace and calm (appropriate words to use in place of more violent words you shouldn't use in an early engagement). Perhaps make a specific statement about the incident like the one I mentioned above (the fracture of trust we place in people who are supposed to help us at a point of vulnerability)

Have other topics at the ready, and offer a harder segue. 'But that topic isn't much fun. I'd really prefer to talk about this great menu. This place is really awesome. Have you ever had this type of Asian Fusion before?" etc etc

If she still wants to talk about it, there's not much more you can do, except judge. Judge for yourself that either she has a vibe that isn't sitting right with her, or unfortunately her reality (right now or permanent - doesn't matter) is too riddled with worry and dread to get past. YOUR reality is that your social time is precious - you want it filled with positive, awesome experiences. A date should make you laugh and rejoice, not be a downer.

Cut the date short; there's not much more to do to salvage the evening. Who knows - she might come around, but the more you persist on this topic the worse it will be for you. I've discussed the importance of having Plan Bs for your evening (I always check in with other friends and see what they've got planned before going out on a date) - drop her off as soon as decently possible, and regroup.


- GiddyupGuy